I'm writing as fast as I can

I finished the memoir Tuesday night. I wrote most of it Saturday, while drinking lots of Rolling Rock. the more I wrote, the more painful it became, so I wrote it as fast as I could, before it became too painful to write.
I revisited the most painful moments of my life, and I didn't gloss them over. Writing about my parents and their deaths 6 years apart, and my own guilty conscience concerning my actions was both cathartic and agonizing.
In my home life, on the outside it looks fine, and financially it is, but spiritually and emotionally, I am trying to walk forward on a carousel that is spinning faster and faster, and I don't know if I will get my safety strap on before it gets too dangerous.

Stevie Wonder may have been blind, but I think he saw it pretty clearly:

Signed Sealed delivered, I'm yours, Here I am baby. I've done a lot of foolish things, I can be a broken man.

I'm not a broken man, but I've got my battle scars, and I understand many of the wounds are self inflicted.

When we disregard and ignore our past, it eventually returns in the present to bite us in the ass. I consider myself bitten.
The unresolved conflict that I compartmentalized and buried almost twenty years ago has returned in a new form. I didn't solve it then, I was too immature. So here it is again.
No more denials. Once you get past the pain, as Pablo Cruise says, love will find a way.

I'm writing as fast as I can. I hope I can write the ending this time before it is too late.