Sunday, June 29, 2008

Green Boogers (Or What happens when you blow your nose too hard on St. Patrick's Day)

It was unseasonably warm for a St. Patrick's Day, the morning Mass to begin the School Day at Our Lady of Perpetual Corporal Punishment had left many students struggling to stay awake during Father Monahan's long, laborious, and incredibly boring sermon. There's only so many ways you can relate the story of St. Patrick chasing the Snakes out of Ireland before you don't care anymore.

The staff of Sisters from the order of St. Francis had been busy cruising the pews, swatting the back of many a swaying head with their yardsticks. "The Nunchuks of the Nunnery" is what stalwart 5th graders Cowboy Cassidy and Snigger Zagg had nicknamed them. The new principal that had replaced the dearly departed Sister Mary Bernadette (AKA Mighty Butt) was, in the two boys opinion, a Kung Fu master in the art of yardstick wielding, rivaling their newest TV hero, Caine, of the show "Kung Fu."

Sister Jezebel Christian, once scourge of neighboring and rival Christ the King of Pain on the Cross School and Parish, had been christened by the boys of our Lady of P.C.P. with the nickname "Jesus Christ's Sister!" for the pain she could inflict with a yardstick from seemingly the other side of the playground, or as was evident this morning at Mass, the other side of the church.

Those were also the exact words that involuntarily, simultaneously, leapt from their mouths when her yardstick found its mark on their bodies. Some swore she wielded the yardstick as if it were a boomerang, others as if she were a Ninja in a black dress with a white hood
Regardless the perception, the only thing almost any student who had felt the wrath of her yardstick could agree on was one thing. Sister Jezebel Christian's middle name had to be "PAIN."