The Hammock from Hell

I want to start this post by making it undoubtedly clear that I Love My wife more than anything, and we will celebrate our 12th Wedding Anniversary on September 6th. That's a future story, considering we had an outdoor wedding, a guest named Hurricane Fran, and another known as the "wet Skunk." But I digress, Today I'm going to share with you how much I really really really really really love my wife.

My wife has always loved relaxing in a hammock in the yard, but since we moved to Trexlertown a few years ago, she has gone without that pleasure. She's been tempted a few times, to buy a cheap Big Box mart or Do-it yourself bargain sale item, but that always involved me putting something together.

It's not that I can't do it, or won't do it, It has always seemed that whatever item she purchased, we would get the box that inexplicably was missing a part...or two... or three... or in one case, had parts that weren't manufactured correctly.

So Yesterday, we are at a Big Box store, lets call it NOTSAM"s CLUB, and she spies that the Super Duper, LazyBoy Brand Special Hammock they have had in there for the last few months is marked down for clearance. It is now UNDER $200. Oh Joy! Now for some perspective, earlier in the day we were at a store called NOT SUPERMART, where she had me look at wicker furniture for our concrete patio porch. That stuff ranged from $249 to $300. At that time, I was able to sway her from buying anything. But AT NOTSAM"S CLUB (which happened to be in Reading, and being remodeled, another level of retail Hell for a future story) my will to resist had weakened, and like a good little Borg husband, I knew it was over and that resistance was futile. In the end, we got off cheaper, and I accepted my fate.

I said Okay. C'mon, if it makes her happy, so what if I set an Olympic record for bad words putting it together? The point is, she gets what she wants, and I make her happy. that's a win win, in most books, if maybe not the pocketbook.

So we are still in the store and I go get a flatbed cart, and try my damnedest to pick the one box that looks the least banged up, and most likely to still have all the parts. My wife hurt her shoulder last week, so Krickett dutifully kept the flatbed from rolling away while I sent one box to the floor behind the display with a "BANG", and took the one that had been under it. Oh yeah, one 7 foot long box, weighing 210 pounds. Yeah, I picked that right up with one hand!
Getting it down onto the cart was easy, but getting it in my Saturn Vue? More fun!

Yes, Krickett got her fingers smooshed, but I got her some ice cream in Topton on the way home, and let her stay in the air conditioned car while I got her a soft cone. We had to stand the box on one side and slide it up between the front seats a bit, but we resolved to persevere!

So we get it home, and I get it out of the car, stand it up on one end, and walk it into the garage, where I stand it between the doors. It is a good thing I am very strong in the upper body, and I've lost a lot of weight. Whoo! That was a lot of effort! That was Saturday at 5:30 PM. On Sunday, today, at 11:00 AM, after I had finished mowing and weeding, I decided to take on the Assembly task. I unpacked the box, and layed everything out.

Lets take inventory!

5 pieces of steel tubing, different sizes and shapes? Check! Any of them have identifying letters or anything on them giving them a part designation? NO!

Any clues or diagrams on how they are supposed to be assembled, or any particular order? NO!

8 two inch long slotted bolts with washers and lock nuts? Check!

2 4 inch long "I" bolts, with washers and lock nuts? Check!

4 6 inch long "J' hooks? er..... NO! we only have three! Hurray!

1 6 inch long wrench for tightening said lock nuts? Check!

1 Big fluffy pillow with "LAZYBOY" emblazoned on it? Check!

1 storage bag containing the Lazyboy hammock rolled up inside it? Check!

How about directions? Sort of...

This is why I think the people in China are laughing their asses off at us. The directions consisted of three pictures.

Figure one showed all the pieces laid out.

Figure two showed the assembled Frame

Figure three showed you the hammock hanging from the jayhooks.

That's not exactly a lot of freakin help, okay?


I swear to God, if the Chinese had to put truth in advertising statements on the boxes of stuff they ship here, The box containing the Lazyboy Hammock would state: "Manufactured in LeadpoisoningRiver Province by People Laughing hysterically at the mere thought of American slobs trying to Assemble it."

It was only eight screws to assemble 5 pieces of tubing, but they were bent and curved, and they only went together one way that would let you hang a hammock.
Do you know how hot it was out in my yard Sunday July 20th at noontime? The screws were supposed to fit in preformed slots, but do you think they lined up? Think the guy operating the drill press over there on the assembly line in Leadpoisoningriver Province might have been a bit hung over the day our Hammock parts were made? MAYBE!

But I'm a man. An American Man. An American Man who loves his red white and blue god fearing American wife, and I will do whatever it takes to defeat those Communist Chinese and their evil plot to make everyday American men like me go nuts!

I showed them Chinese Commies! It's together, and she loves it! Now, there was that little issue with the Hammock not reaching the ends, and needing to be stretched a bit, but Krickett, bad shoulder and all, is a tough, true, Red, White, and Blue American Woman, and with her help, we put that Hammock on those hooks. Then we sat in it a while, and that helped stretch it out further. (It has a 400lb limit, and the two of us don't come close! Boolyah! (Oh, yeah, that it had stickers for!)

Who needs directions, when you've got good old American willpower and go get'em attitude?! Or in Krickett's case, a husband like me?!

Please hold your applause, I'm not worthy!

The point is, I overcame the evil plot of those sinister Chinese and that junk we buy, and made my wife happy. The Hammock might be from Hell, but for my wife, laying in it is Heaven. Boolyah!