So There's a Portal to Hell in Fairview Cemetery, among many other Valley Locales

Well, I guess I had to figure there was one somewhere in the Lehigh Valley. What really has me amazed is that after taking a few trips through it, I find out there are dozens more in the immediate area! I mean New York City? Los Angeles? Of course! Even San Francisco or New Orleans, I would not be surprised. Of Washington D.C. I absolutely am sure, and under the Capitol complex in Harrisburg, I have no doubt.
But Allentown? And to find out the Lehigh Valley is number one per capita for portals on Earth?! That was completely unexpected.

So how did I learn all this?

I stumbled into it by accident, while weed whacking. I stepped backwards from a grave marker I had cleared and fell down into it. That's how I came to meet the late, long ago departed Ebediah Belsnickel. I won't give you too much of his story right away, but you need to know right off he claims he has been kicked out of first Heaven and then Hell, at least that's his story, and he has stuck to it. Ebediah, or "Eb" as he asked me to call him, roams the afterlife, eking out a meaningful otherworldly existence as an "escort" of sorts, for those who die unexpectedly in the Lehigh Valley.

He also claims to be picking up some occasional change in the mortal world, popping up at night to offer political consulting advice to both the Sam Bennett and Charlie Dent Congressional campaigns. "I give them both conflicting advice," he said with a snicker. "It helps to have references from both Karl Rove and James Carville on your resume."

Eb looks a lot like the late actor Bob Denver of Gilligan's island fame, only he wears a 70's era white polyester leisure suit, and has the "Maynard" of the Dobie Gillis show facial hair. I asked him about that, if he wasn't really Bob Denver incognito in some kind of netherworld witness protection program, but he got all irate, so I changed the subject. The idea of Bob Denver as a sort of hall Monitor for the Lehigh Valley's portals to Hell may seem strange, but you have to consider the circumstances. We are talking a mortal, (me) roaming the underworld without being dead. At Least I hope I'm not dead, and the fall into the Portal itself didn't kill me. I'd hate to think everything since September 20th is like that hokey dream season on "Dallas" back in the early 80's. You know? Hey, why am I referring to everything by Classic TV culture?

BTW, Allentown Liker, please remember that imitation is the greatest form of flattery. Yeah, your madness inspired me, but at least I'm giving you props. C'mon, a portal to Hell In Allentown? You know there couldn't be just one!

Maybe I am dead! Or I have seen way too much Nick at Nite Classic TV. I better check this out! I'll have to get back to you blog readers later, but before I forget, I want to say that one of my blogging peers was right. There is a portal to Hell under Mayor Pawlowski's desk, but he doesn't know about it. YET. Can you imagine what might happen if the wrong people figure out how to use it? Makes me shudder!

Former Mayor Bill Heydt had it installed as part of the Deal that gave us Lights in the Parkway. Roy Afflerbach accidentally sealed it up with his laser pointer in January 2002 when he first started practicing his power point presentations.

It only works one way, you can get in there from hell, but you can't get back to hell, it's a one way route. (Though I'm sure some will argue I'm wrong) There's dozens of them around the Valley, there's even three, yep, count'em, THREE in the Lehigh County Courthouse. There's one in one of the Judges Chambers, one in the District Attorney's office, and another in the Public Defender's consultation room. That Devil's got all the bases covered, doesn't he?

Eb says there's one over in Northampton County in the new judges chambers that he calls the "Taj Mahal" of Portals, but he hasn't been back there since some guy the newly dead refer to as a "blogger from Nazareth" took it over, and started charging fees to use it.

I've pretty much toured the Lehigh Valley portals to and from hell system as it works in the Valley over the last couple of weeks, and now I'm going to relay my experiences to my readers, all two dozen of them. There was some excitement over the last couple of days, as Cerberus didn't get his regular weekly grooming at "Almost Heaven" kennels, so he got a little surly, broke his chain, and made his way through the portals up to the grounds of Fairview. That's where I got involved.

The good news was he chomped a couple of Ground hogs. The bad news was, well, we can't go into that now, but thank God for the talking tombstone and the lady in black who visits the graves of the stillborn infants. If it weren't for her and her otherworldly puppy "treats' We'd never have gotten old Cerberus back where he belonged. He's really not a bad dog once he gets to know you. He even let me scratch one of his heads, and we played fetch with a piece of broken tombstone, until he chewed it up and spit it out as gravel. For Future reference: Don't play tug of war with a three headed pit Bull. You can't win.

So tune in again soon, where I'll tell you more about my adventures traveling the Valley's Portals to hell. I learned you never know who you are going to cross paths with down there, especially with the main transfer station being located under Lehigh County Government Center!