Cleaning out the Garage

I am blessed.

I live in a urban castle that has a two car garage. Not only that, but there are separate doors for each car! That, in the eyes of my dear deceased Dad, was a statement that you were well off.
We had a two car garage when I was growing up, but it was one big door, and you had to pull one of the cars out to get in the passenger side. It was tight in there. Only rich people had "Real" two car garages. It was a big old wooden door, and we didn't have automatic garage door openers back then. Well, we did, it was me, I had to physically lift it to open it, and close, lower and lock it when we left. It wasn't light, believe you me, it wasn't until a month after I joined the Army and 2 weeks before I went away to basic training that Dad had me install a motorized door opener.

Well, we Casey's aren't rich, but I am a bit on the frugal side, just ask my wife. We have power automatic garage doors, just as now most everybody in McMansion land has a two car garage, not all, but many do. It's become a standard norm, and no longer a sign of grandiosity, if it ever really was one at all.

In the garage attached to the Casey Castle of Trexlertown, there's room to get in on all sides. That wasn't always the case, we had quite a bit of "stuff" stored in there for a while. When we first moved in, I was six months clearing out stuff so I could park in there. Mrs C got the preferred spot right away. She's the lady of the House, and that's the way it works. That's how it worked when I was a kid in our house, Dad always gave Mom the better spot.

Now I'm sure the people over at the secret Chinese Spy satellite cable network have been watching the outtakes of "Chris Casey, Home Improvement Moron" that they are shooting by satellite with interest. They are probably wondering, "Why is he so good to his wife? Why does he always give her the best of everything? Why does he pack her lunch, wash her car, do her laundry, and all these other things? Is he what many American men refer to as "Pussy whipped?"

No you communist ninnies, I'm not whipped! I'm what a real American guy is supposed to be! Decent, caring, and attentive to his mate! Real American men aren't afraid of doing the laundry! Real men get so dirty doing real jobs that sometimes we just climb in the washer with our clothes on and close the door! We call that conserving fresh water!

Sunday night I would have done that, if I could, but even my new, leaner, meaner, not as much to be seener' body can fit in our 6 month old energy efficient Whirlpool washer. (I know "seener" is not a word, but it rhymes nicely, okay?)
I started cleaning the garage after I returned from the gym shortly after 3 PM, and when I finished at 7:30, you could walk up and down on the sides of both cars, and freely open all doors!
(The Truth: I'm trying to make room for a Riding Lawn Mower or Snow Blower, I could care less if you can get in the car from either side!)

Was I dirty? Yes!! Did I suffer a few cuts and bruises? Uh yeah, and that splinter from that old four by four really hurt, and luckily I did get it out right away! The point is, The garage is cleaner, the trash and summer's worth of debris have been removed, and I, the American man, have finished another mission, once again thwarting the schemes of those damned Communist Chinese! Yeah!!!! I wonder what they are titling the next episode of Chris Casey, Home Improvement Moron, now? They probably focus on the two car garage, the gas powered lawn mower, the many different pieces of power yard hardware, and decided to call it: Wasteful American Fuel habits!

But who cares what those communist pansies watching on their spy satellites think. They have to be impressed at an average American man's CAN DO! attitude!

Though I think the cut on my finger might be infected. I had a Tetanus shot last October, and I didn't need another one in February when I got the stitches in my hand. We'll see.
Tune in later this week when I give you a report on my next adventure with electricity! I'm going to install a new light fixture/ceiling fan in one of the upstairs bedrooms. I'm putting the over/under on the number of times I electrocute myself at two! Oh, and one more thing, our new fixture? Guess where it was manufactured? You Know it! CHINA! So you know what that means! We are going to be missing something!

Shock Therapy: The Home Improvement Version!

Some things you probably shouldn't mix. Like pouring gasoline onto hot coals in a charcoal Grill to get the fire burning, perhaps I shouldn't be allowed to play with Electricity.

The Good news is, I'm still here!

Previously, I detailed my actions installing two new lamps on the outside of the Casey Homestead garage, brightening our exterior Driveway at night. I survived that near death experience, so what do I do this past weekend? Mrs. C and I venture out to Lowe's and buy 6 matching ones for the rest of the house!

Now if I could find a way to electrocute myself installing 2 lamps on the garage, what do you think the odds are of it happening while installing 6 more? Hell, who needs a defibrillator?! If my heart ever starts beating irregularly, or stops all together, just get me near a wall socket and stick my finger in, I'll be fine! (Of Course, with my luck, I've probably developed some kind of immunity to electricity, and PP&L will pay my wife to recycle my corpse as a human transformer)

So Saturday Mrs. C and I trek to the Lowes in Shillington, because we were already out that way, where I have plans to spend $200 I have budgeted for Home Improvement on said light fixtures. Well, Hallelujah! The light fixtures we want are marked down! From $49.95 to $44.95!

Then to our Amazement, the two pack of said light fixtures, 2 in a box for $69.95, is on clearance for $34.95! It is the exact same light! I was only planning to buy four but hell, I jump at the bargain. So knowing we need 6 total light fixtures, I snatch up 3 of the two fixture packs. I'm a happy camper. I like coming in under budget. Excess funds could go to the "I want a Riding Lawn Mower Fund" but will probably end up in the "I need a $600 Snowblower" Fund.

Now if you have read this blog before, you know what inevitably is coming. Yes, the light fixtures were made in CHINA. and the first pack I open, guess what? Yes, the Globe is broken, and I'm missing a screw.
It's Chinese Law, I'm telling you, make Americans crazy by selling them stuff that doesn't have all the parts and watch by spy satellite from Outer Space as they try and put it all together.
They probably have a Secret Cable Channel dedicated to airing the foibles of hapless Americans like me over there, and observing the adventures of "Chris Casey Home Improvement Moron" probably gets higher ratings than "Trading Spaces" does here.

I'm probably a big star on a secret Chinese national cable Network, and I don't even know it. The Communist Programmers are probably the ones sending me all the Lowes gift cards and credit offers, just to get me to buy more stuff, so they can make more episodes.

So out of 6 fixtures, I mounted 2 lights on Saturday after getting home and 3 on Sunday. Monday on my way home from work, I stop at the Lowes in Quakertown, receipt and broken, unusable globe, in hand.

I have to give Lowe's credit. They accommodated me. They didn't have any of the clearance two packs at the Q-town store, but they gave me what I needed to finish the job. That's why they are beating the Hell out of the Home Depot. It's called Customer Satisfaction, and I get it at Lowes. When I made it Home Monday night, I quickly finished the last light, and I did it without getting any more jolts!

Now, as for my Shock Therapy...
It is very, very, very,very, very, very, very, (did I say very?) very IMPORTANT that you properly connect the ground wire when installing these lights. OR YOU COULD GET SHOCKED!

To prove that some lessons need continued reinforcement, I shocked myself not once, not twice, not three, but FOUR times, while working on one particular light fixture. You would think I would learn. The dogs all walked out into the yard, watching with interest from afar, while Mrs C. read in her Hammock. Even Dogs are smart enough not to play with electricity, but not me!

I now have a new theory, that the Electrical shocks are impairing my memory, and that's why....hey, Where in the hell are my keys? And what did I do with my phone?.....wait, what was I writing about again? See what I mean?!

There Will Be Blood.....NOT!!!!!!!!

(This is a somewhat Serious Post, but worthy of discussion, so I'm cross posting it from my more serious blog)

I was giddy with anticipation as I entered the newly christened Kasych Pavilion at Lehigh Valley Hospital, intent on performing my civic duty, donating blood, and perhaps, just perhaps, saving someones life.

I checked in, and no sooner took a seat before my name was called to go in the back for screening. A very nice young woman screened me. She checked my Driver's license, (you gotta have a photo I.D.!) then pricked my index finger on my left hand. My blood was red! That's good, it appeared I am human, despite some doubts from frequent readers of my blog.
She checked my blood pressure, (112 over 70) then my resting pulse (60), I'm in pretty good shape for a 46 year old, 225+ pound guy.

Then the questions started. All the HIV and blood contaminant ones, trying to see if you are at risk for anything that would make your blood dangerous for others to get.

I agree with this process, for the most part. I was going along with it , because I feel the end result, helping to save lives, is worth it.

Then the Question came that brought the whole adventure to a screeching halt.
"Have you served in the United States Armed Forces in the years between 1980 and 1996, and during that time were you stationed in Germany, Belgium, the Netherlands, or other countries for more than a 6 month period?"

My answer was yes. I was stationed at Darmstadt, Federal Republic of Germany, for most of my Army enlistment. The years were 1983, 84, 85, and 86. Now I had no clue this was a problem. I have given blood before, but it has been at least 5 years since I last gave. I've had surgical procedures and been tested God knows how many times, and NEVER tested positive for anything that would bar me from giving blood.

But things have changed. I was informed that under their newer protocols, I am not eligible to give Blood. I was very disappointed, and I made it clear to the staff how I felt. But I also told them that I understood that they were doing their jobs.
I wish I had known about this new protocol sooner, I rearranged my schedule to give blood, and this pretty much wasted several hours of my time. I've shared this with my vet friends, a couple of whom were planning to donate.

This troubles me. What is to stop people from not admitting, as I did, that they served overseas? I'm also bothered that several million formal military personnel are being excluded from giving blood to protect from contamination by a few. Are you telling me they can't test my blood, and see I'm not HIV infectious? This is a serious issue, and I'm looking forward to reader's thoughts on it.

I'm Saving a Life Today!

I have an appointment today.

I'm giving blood at 3:30 PM at the Kasych Pavilion, on the Lehigh Valley Hospital Campus at Cedar Crest. The Miller Keystone Blood Center needs YOUR help. Call and make an appointment, TODAY!

Where the Hell.....???

Did I put my keys?

This is a game I play constantly in my life. At home, there is a basket hanging by the door to the garage in the kitchen. My wife put it there for the express purpose of keeping her keys where she could find them. She never plays the game, but I, The Hunter Gatherer, play it all the time.

So why the hell would I want to use that? It's not like I'd get confused, and take the wrong key ring, all hers have Tinkerbell fairies on them. I'd sort of notice, you think? But no, I'm a man, an American man, and we like challenges. I think it's a throwback to our need to look for treasure, an instinctive need to search for things we really need, like food and warmth, and now in the 21st century, a wireless Internet connection. Those things are easy to find, so we subconsciously create challenges for ourselves, ergo, we hide our keys!

The issue here is I find myself playing the game at really bad times, like when I really have to get going. This happens a lot at 4:45 AM when I need to leave for work. the Coffee hasn't hit yet, and I'm getting annoyed. Damn thing is, if I have my keys, I usually end up playing other versions of the game, like, "Where the hells my building swipe card?" or "Where the hells my cell phone?"

This really annoys Mrs C, who is usually playing a game of her own called, "Why the hell can't you let me sleep?!" Throw in barking dogs, and now our new alarm system chirping every time the door opens as I run back and forth from the garage looking for whatever, and I think you see the problem.

Yes, I admit it. I AM AN IDIOT!

Okay! That's enough Man Confession for today, tune in next time when I either share more horror stories on my Home Improvement Adventures, or my new game I play after going to the mall, "Where the Hell did I park the car?!"